Forgiving When You Can't Forget: A Therapist's Perspective on Biblical Forgiveness
Hello, dear readers—it's Jessica here, your therapist at Restoration Counseling LLC, penning this on a chilly November morning in 2025. As the air turns crisp and we lean into the season of gratitude and reflection, my heart turns to a question I hear often in sessions: "How do I forgive when the hurt runs so deep I can't shake it?" One client, a survivor of profound betrayal, shared through tears, "I know God calls me to forgive, but every time I try, the memories flood back like a tidal wave." If that's you—grappling with trauma's unyielding grip—take a deep breath. Today, from my trauma-informed lens, we'll explore biblical forgiveness as a path of release, not erasure. It's possible to forgive without forgetting or forcing reconciliation, honoring both God's invitation and your sacred boundaries.
The Weight of Unforgiven Wounds: When Holding On Hurts More
Forgiveness feels like a mountain when trauma has etched wounds into your core. Those scars—whether from abuse, betrayal, or loss—don't fade with a simple prayer or platitude. Research shows that clinging to grudges can heighten risks for severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, trapping us in cycles of anger and isolation. In my practice, I've seen how unprocessed pain festers, not as a badge of strength, but as a heavy yoke stealing joy.
Yet, the flip side shines hope: Forgiveness, when trauma-informed, isn't about excusing harm—it's about freeing you. Studies reveal it can decrease anxiety and depression while boosting self-esteem and hope, paving the way for emotional stability. Biblically, it's not optional fluff; Jesus commands it in the Lord's Prayer: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors" (Matthew 6:12). But here's the grace-filled truth: Scripture never demands we forget or reconcile. Think of Joseph with his brothers (Genesis 50)—he forgave, yet set wise boundaries. Forgiveness is your gift to release bitterness; reconciliation? That's a mutual dance, requiring the offender's repentance.
Trauma's Role: Why Forgetting Isn't the Goal (And That's Okay)
Trauma rewires us—memories become visceral triggers, not dusty files. For survivors, "forgive and forget" can feel like gaslighting, implying your pain is optional. But God sees the full story. In Psalm 34:18, He promises, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Forgetting isn't the benchmark; faithfulness in the remembering is.
From a trauma-informed view, we honor the brain's protective wiring. Your body wants you to remember dangers—it's survival, not sin. Forcing amnesia risks re-traumatization, deepening shame. Instead, we aim for integration: Acknowledging the wound while choosing not to let it define you. This aligns with God's redemptive heart—He doesn't erase our stories; He redeems them, as in Isaiah 61:3, turning ashes into beauty.
A Biblical Lens Meets Modern Wisdom: Internal Family Systems
Enter Internal Family Systems (IFS), a gentle therapy model I've woven into many sessions, viewing the mind as a family of "parts" led by your core Self—the compassionate, God-imaged essence at your center. Trauma often burdens these parts (like the "exiled" ones holding pain or "protectors" shielding you with anger), creating inner conflict. IFS helps unburden them, fostering self-compassion without bypassing the hurt.
Biblically resonant? Absolutely. It echoes Romans 12:2's mind renewal and the harmony of 1 Corinthians 12's body of Christ—parts in unity under the Head. Research supports IFS for trauma, showing it significantly reduces PTSD symptoms, with 53% of participants achieving clinically meaningful relief. In practice, a client might dialogue with a "betrayed part," offering it the forgiveness it craves internally, releasing resentment without confronting the offender. No reconciliation required—just your Self leading with curiosity and grace, mirroring God's tender pursuit.
This approach normalizes: Forgiveness flows from safety, not pressure. It's not "just pray harder"; it's partnering with the Holy Spirit to heal fragmented parts, forgiving as an act of worship.
Practical Steps: Forgiving from a Place of Wholeness
Healing isn't linear, but these steps, drawn from IFS and Scripture, offer a compassionate roadmap:
Pause and Protect: Name the trigger without judgment. Breathe into Psalm 46:10—"Be still, and know that I am God." Create space; boundaries are biblical (e.g., Proverbs 4:23: "Guard your heart").
Invite Your Parts to the Table: In quiet reflection or a guided exercise, ask: "What part of me is hurting right now? What does it need?" Listen with the kindness of your Self. Journal it out—it's like inviting the prodigal parts home.
Release with Ritual: Write a letter (unsent) of forgiveness to the offender, then to yourself. Burn it, bury it, or pray over it: "Lord, I release this to You" (echoing Ephesians 4:31-32). This honors the memory while loosening its chains.
Seek Support in Community: Share with a trusted friend or here in therapy. Isolation amplifies pain; vulnerability multiplies grace. If trauma echoes loudly, professional guidance ensures safe unburdening.
Remember, progress might look like fewer nightmares or lighter mornings—not perfection.
An Invitation to Freedom: Your Story Matters
As November unfolds with its themes of thanks and new beginnings, may you glimpse forgiveness not as a burden, but a bridge to peace. God doesn't ask the impossible—He offers His strength for the release, weaving your scars into testimony. You're not alone in this; healing is His delight.
Jessica@RestorationCounselingDSM.com, visit my website, www.restorationcounselingdsm.com or text me at (515) 518-0681 to get started.
